Cray Cray Crazy

 

CRAY  CRAY CRAZY

 

Today at the jail was difficult. In fact, if I’m being honest, I’m glad everyday is not as difficult or I don’t know if I would go back. My regular “pod” was locked down for fighting (again). Two of the ladies I’ve worked with for over two months picked up “additional charges”. One was already transferred to another facility by the time I arrived. My heart was broken. I thought they had made progress; I thought they were seeking God; I finally had developed a rapport and trust with them.

On the way in, my CO escort made a couple of negative comments about something. I responded with a question, then quoted scripture. He asked if I was “calling him out.” I responded, “No, just speaking truth. If you’re convicted, that’s God not me.” He asked if I was “angry with him.” Why should he care if I don’t approve, but I could tell it mattered to him. He responded, “Maybe you should do church for the guards.”

I arrived in PC (protective custody) to share the word of God with the ladies there. “Church call” the CO (correction officer) called out. Seven women piled into the small “T.V. room”, smaller than my bathroom. Several women were sitting on the floor. I introduced myself and asked them for their names one-by-one. I started sharing from the book of Joshua about Rahab. One woman spoke out, “But Jesus ate the people.” I thought I’d misunderstood. She continued to speak out that God and Jesus eat people. Another stated, “We can’t believe the Bible because the antichrist changed all the words, so it is not true”; her face was covered in stitches; she had been the recipient of the fight on the other side. The female CO would tell me that was the worse fight in five years. Another lady kept talking continually, every other word was taking God’s name in vain and yelling out the F word. Another lady asked for prayer because “the demons are everywhere in the people, the dogs, and the food.”  In this tiny space, with a guard standing at my back continually, I tried to speak above all the “noise” to deliver “truth”.  I kept praying, “Holy Spirit fill me. Give me the words.”  Inside I was cracking but I kept telling myself, “Never let them see you sweat”. I didn’t want them to think for a moment they were getting to me or that I was afraid.

In the hallway as I passed, a man was on “suicide watch”, he had tried to take his life yesterday. Another man, with a huge infection in his leg had medical and sheriffs deciding what care he needed. While standing in the hall, one of the ladies was brought out in handcuffs to be taken to another area; she had “confronted” me aggressively a few weeks prior and another lady inmate had told her “back down”. Now we were alone in the hall with just a CO waiting for her. This time she avoided eye contact.

In short, the place was crazy today. The heaviness was prevalent. How can I bring the word or shine the light of God in this place? For the first time since I’ve been going to this facility, I felt “unsafe.” When I left, I asked my husband, “Do you ever feel unsafe?” His answer surprised me, “All the time”, he continued, “But I don’t feel afraid.”

I wanted to cry out, “Why us Lord?! Why me Lord?! Why addiction and jail/prison ministry? These are TOUGH ministries. I don’t feel equipped. I don’t feel like you’ve got the right gal!”

So tonight, I cling to truth… Galatians 6:9 states, “Let us not lose heart in doing good; for in due time, if we do not faint we shall reap.”  I praise God that in the stress and the heat of that small space, I did not faint… (yes, I do understand that faint in this context means to grow weary but I’m taking it literally today). Isaiah 55:11 states His word shall not return void. In all the mess today, I can only pray that God brought the message and seeds were planted.

Surrender in Waiting

 

Surrender in Waiting

The Bible (I Samuel) tells a story of a woman named Hannah. She was married to a man named Elkanah who loved her. Hannah longed to have a child; however, the “Lord had closed her womb” (I Sam. 1: 6). Year after year, Hannah would travel with Elkanah to the city to worship and make sacrifices to the Lord. She went to the tabernacle and “prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish” (I Sam. 1:10). She refused to eat. Elkanah tried to comfort his wife, asking her if he was not enough, “Am I not better to you than ten sons?” (I Sam. 1:8). Hannah continued to pray in the tabernacle, “O Lord of hosts… remember me, do not forget me. Give me a male child, then I will give him to [you] all the days of his life” (I Sam. 1: 11).

Eli was the priest at the Tabernacle; he had watched Hannah. Although her lips were moving, she was not speaking any words aloud. Eli assumed Hannah was drunk and scolded her “How long will be drunk? Put your wine away!” (I Sam. 1: 14). Honestly, this priest did not have a clue! Hannah was overwhelmed with sadness and crying out to God. Did Eli not see the tears streaming down her face? Had Eli never been around a grieving woman? She told Eli that she was not intoxicated but rather “poured out [her] soul before the Lord” (I Sam. 1:15). At this comment, Eli answered, “Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant your petition” (I Sam. 1: 18). I am impressed by Hannah’s composure with Eli. She was at church crying out to God and the priest accused her of being drunk.

Waiting is so hard! I hate waiting. Waiting to get pregnant with my first son. Waiting to hear back from a job interview. Waiting for Dean to be done with his prison sentence and come home. Waiting …. We have all waited at times for something in our lives.

Hannah was waiting to get pregnant. While she was waiting, her “sister-wife” Peninnah taunted her. Peninnah had multiple children; the Bible states she had “sons and daughters” (I. Sam. 1: 4). In fact, the Bible refers to her Peninnah as Hannah’s rival (vs. 6). So often when I’m waiting for something, it seems like everyone else has the very thing I want so desperately.

Everyone else has a husband at home while mine is serving time in prison. Everyone else on the basketball team has their dad at the games. Everyone else…… the list went on and on.

After Hannah “wails” in the tabernacle, she leaves. The Bible states she “went her way and ate and was no longer sad” (vs. 18). What changed? Hannah cried at to God, gave the situation to God, and left it at the altar. Hannah surrendered in the waiting.

Hannah did become pregnant, and she named her son Samuel. She rejoiced at God’s faithfulness and her prayer of thanksgiving is recorded in I Samuel. 2. In that prayer, she stated, “My heart rejoices in the Lord” (I Sam. 2: 1). Hannah kept her promise to God, and when Samuel was weaned, she took him to the tabernacle to serve (and learn) under Eli the priest. Hannah gave Samuel to the Lord, “I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he shall be lent to the Lord” (I Sam. 1: 28). I must admit that I am astonished that she took him to Eli, the same priest that accused her of being drunk. There is no indication that Hannah felt any bitterness over the misunderstanding in the tabernacle that day. Samuel “grew and the Lord was with him” (I Sam. 3: 19). Samuel became a prophet and a leader in all of Israel. He was a mighty man for the kingdom of God. The Lord blessed Hannah with more children, six in total; she had three more sons and two daughters.

The ladies sat around the long conference table in the TV room. The cell was "stuffy" as usual, no air circulation. One lady had a black eye, "street fighting in jail this week" she explained. She continued, "But we are all good now." Several were crowded on the sides and the back of the small room. The table only held ten chairs. Two guards stood at the door of the cell area talking loudly. I shared the message of Hannah. Then I asked each one, "What are you waiting for?" The answer one-by-one was the same, "To get out." The last lady responded "To get out" and then continued with tears filling her eyes, "and to get my kids back."

Lord, help me to bring my anguish to you and leave it in total surrender at the altar. Help me to believe you’ve got every situation. To be able to leave that place of prayer believing, trusting, and no longer sad regardless of my circumstance. Help me surrender in waiting.

To  learn more read I Sam. 1-2.