What if I did what I could?

 

Mary of Bethany

Recently I reread the story of Mary of Bethany. She was the sister of Martha and Lazarus. She had a friendship with Jesus. She was there when Jesus taught in her home. She sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to him teach. She saw him raise Lazarus from the dead. Prior to Jesus’ crucifixion, “Mary took a pound of very costly oil and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil” (John 12: 3). Judas was critical of Mary’s act, stating “the money should have been given for the poor” (John 12: 5-6). Judas had no care for the poor but was a thief and wanted the money for himself. The oil was “three hundred denarii”, the equivalent of a year’s wages. But Jesus said, “Let her alone; she has kept this for the day of My burial” (John 12: 7, NKJV). Matthew told the story this way, Jesus said, “Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a good work for me” (Matt. 26:10), “Assuredly, I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be told as a memorial to her” (Matt. 26:13). I love the way Mark told the story, Jesus said, “She has done what she could” (Mark 14:8). Mary of Bethany could not stop the crucifixion; she could not change future events; but she did what she could.

Gateway Worship wrote a worship song called Alabaster Jar. Part of the song states,

This alabaster jar is all I have of worth

I break it at Your feet, Lord

It’s less than you deserve.

Mary did what she could. I used to work as a principal and relief house parent at a Christian Children’s Home. I would have loved to adopt multiple children and “rescue them”. God didn’t call me to take those children permanently; He called me to “do what I could.” I could love them, teach them, listen to them, pray with them, in that season (my time at the facility). There have been so many times in my life when I wanted to change the situation/circumstance for so many. I’ve learned that God just asked me to be faithful, to do what I can. In addiction ministry, so many times I wish I could “rescue” a family. My job is to listen, pray, and bring them the word of God. God is the one responsible to change lives; He is the one that brings that harvest. There are times I’m in a hurry or don’t wish to be bothered. I rush through Walmart on a mission to get my items and leave; there are times I dodge people, so I won’t have to stop and hear about their life. When a homeless person walks up to me, in my heart I’m thinking “Really, Lord, I’m in a hurry.” Sometimes I stop to help and pray. Other times, I avoid eye contact. What if every day, I responded like Mary and did what I could. What if we all “did what we could?”

 

To learn more Read Mark 14: 3-9; John 12: 1-8; Matt. 26:6-13.

Seasons of Time

 

Seasons of Time

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die. A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal. A time to break down, And a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones. A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing. A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away. A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, And a time to hate; a time of war, And a time of peace” (Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8).

A season of time. Some seasons are shorter than others, and certainly some seasons are more enjoyable than others. I sat listening to woman doing their “time” inside this level 3 and level 4 women’s facility. The prison was enclosed by a chain link fencing with several rows of razor wire. The gym where we gathered was hot, the air conditioning broken in the middle of August. Time… two of the women had served 40 years, while another was beginning her 30^th year incarcerated. Years away from their family. During their time, some of them had lost a parent or a child to death; they had “watched” their loved one’s funeral service on the “web” through special arrangements and permission of the warden. Could there possibly be a purpose in this season?

I reflect on my own journey. My husband was incarcerated for 13 years. I recall how difficult that season was at times. There were times when I could not see the end in sight. I pondered, how does one live in prison for 20, 30, 40 plus years? How does one live for Christ in these circumstances?

I’m reminded of Paul in the New Testament. He wrote multiple books of the Bible (through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) while incarcerated. In fact, these books are known as the prison epistle (Colossians, Philemon, Ephesians, and Philippians). In James it says, “to count it all joy when you fall into various trials” because those circumstances lead to making “you perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4). Without a doubt, Paul’s circumstances lead to the furtherance of the gospel.  Paul teaches several key concepts: how to maintain a positive perspective in difficult circumstances; how to live as a Christian in a pagan world; how to have joy; and how to live as God children.

Perhaps you are currently living in a difficult season, and you are wondering when this season will be over. Perhaps you too, can see no end in sight. Ask God to help you. Read the book of Philippians for encouragement.

 

Cray Cray Crazy

 

CRAY  CRAY CRAZY

 

Today at the jail was difficult. In fact, if I’m being honest, I’m glad everyday is not as difficult or I don’t know if I would go back. My regular “pod” was locked down for fighting (again). Two of the ladies I’ve worked with for over two months picked up “additional charges”. One was already transferred to another facility by the time I arrived. My heart was broken. I thought they had made progress; I thought they were seeking God; I finally had developed a rapport and trust with them.

On the way in, my CO escort made a couple of negative comments about something. I responded with a question, then quoted scripture. He asked if I was “calling him out.” I responded, “No, just speaking truth. If you’re convicted, that’s God not me.” He asked if I was “angry with him.” Why should he care if I don’t approve, but I could tell it mattered to him. He responded, “Maybe you should do church for the guards.”

I arrived in PC (protective custody) to share the word of God with the ladies there. “Church call” the CO (correction officer) called out. Seven women piled into the small “T.V. room”, smaller than my bathroom. Several women were sitting on the floor. I introduced myself and asked them for their names one-by-one. I started sharing from the book of Joshua about Rahab. One woman spoke out, “But Jesus ate the people.” I thought I’d misunderstood. She continued to speak out that God and Jesus eat people. Another stated, “We can’t believe the Bible because the antichrist changed all the words, so it is not true”; her face was covered in stitches; she had been the recipient of the fight on the other side. The female CO would tell me that was the worse fight in five years. Another lady kept talking continually, every other word was taking God’s name in vain and yelling out the F word. Another lady asked for prayer because “the demons are everywhere in the people, the dogs, and the food.”  In this tiny space, with a guard standing at my back continually, I tried to speak above all the “noise” to deliver “truth”.  I kept praying, “Holy Spirit fill me. Give me the words.”  Inside I was cracking but I kept telling myself, “Never let them see you sweat”. I didn’t want them to think for a moment they were getting to me or that I was afraid.

In the hallway as I passed, a man was on “suicide watch”, he had tried to take his life yesterday. Another man, with a huge infection in his leg had medical and sheriffs deciding what care he needed. While standing in the hall, one of the ladies was brought out in handcuffs to be taken to another area; she had “confronted” me aggressively a few weeks prior and another lady inmate had told her “back down”. Now we were alone in the hall with just a CO waiting for her. This time she avoided eye contact.

In short, the place was crazy today. The heaviness was prevalent. How can I bring the word or shine the light of God in this place? For the first time since I’ve been going to this facility, I felt “unsafe.” When I left, I asked my husband, “Do you ever feel unsafe?” His answer surprised me, “All the time”, he continued, “But I don’t feel afraid.”

I wanted to cry out, “Why us Lord?! Why me Lord?! Why addiction and jail/prison ministry? These are TOUGH ministries. I don’t feel equipped. I don’t feel like you’ve got the right gal!”

So tonight, I cling to truth… Galatians 6:9 states, “Let us not lose heart in doing good; for in due time, if we do not faint we shall reap.”  I praise God that in the stress and the heat of that small space, I did not faint… (yes, I do understand that faint in this context means to grow weary but I’m taking it literally today). Isaiah 55:11 states His word shall not return void. In all the mess today, I can only pray that God brought the message and seeds were planted.

Surrender in Waiting

 

Surrender in Waiting

The Bible (I Samuel) tells a story of a woman named Hannah. She was married to a man named Elkanah who loved her. Hannah longed to have a child; however, the “Lord had closed her womb” (I Sam. 1: 6). Year after year, Hannah would travel with Elkanah to the city to worship and make sacrifices to the Lord. She went to the tabernacle and “prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish” (I Sam. 1:10). She refused to eat. Elkanah tried to comfort his wife, asking her if he was not enough, “Am I not better to you than ten sons?” (I Sam. 1:8). Hannah continued to pray in the tabernacle, “O Lord of hosts… remember me, do not forget me. Give me a male child, then I will give him to [you] all the days of his life” (I Sam. 1: 11).

Eli was the priest at the Tabernacle; he had watched Hannah. Although her lips were moving, she was not speaking any words aloud. Eli assumed Hannah was drunk and scolded her “How long will be drunk? Put your wine away!” (I Sam. 1: 14). Honestly, this priest did not have a clue! Hannah was overwhelmed with sadness and crying out to God. Did Eli not see the tears streaming down her face? Had Eli never been around a grieving woman? She told Eli that she was not intoxicated but rather “poured out [her] soul before the Lord” (I Sam. 1:15). At this comment, Eli answered, “Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant your petition” (I Sam. 1: 18). I am impressed by Hannah’s composure with Eli. She was at church crying out to God and the priest accused her of being drunk.

Waiting is so hard! I hate waiting. Waiting to get pregnant with my first son. Waiting to hear back from a job interview. Waiting for Dean to be done with his prison sentence and come home. Waiting …. We have all waited at times for something in our lives.

Hannah was waiting to get pregnant. While she was waiting, her “sister-wife” Peninnah taunted her. Peninnah had multiple children; the Bible states she had “sons and daughters” (I. Sam. 1: 4). In fact, the Bible refers to her Peninnah as Hannah’s rival (vs. 6). So often when I’m waiting for something, it seems like everyone else has the very thing I want so desperately.

Everyone else has a husband at home while mine is serving time in prison. Everyone else on the basketball team has their dad at the games. Everyone else…… the list went on and on.

After Hannah “wails” in the tabernacle, she leaves. The Bible states she “went her way and ate and was no longer sad” (vs. 18). What changed? Hannah cried at to God, gave the situation to God, and left it at the altar. Hannah surrendered in the waiting.

Hannah did become pregnant, and she named her son Samuel. She rejoiced at God’s faithfulness and her prayer of thanksgiving is recorded in I Samuel. 2. In that prayer, she stated, “My heart rejoices in the Lord” (I Sam. 2: 1). Hannah kept her promise to God, and when Samuel was weaned, she took him to the tabernacle to serve (and learn) under Eli the priest. Hannah gave Samuel to the Lord, “I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he shall be lent to the Lord” (I Sam. 1: 28). I must admit that I am astonished that she took him to Eli, the same priest that accused her of being drunk. There is no indication that Hannah felt any bitterness over the misunderstanding in the tabernacle that day. Samuel “grew and the Lord was with him” (I Sam. 3: 19). Samuel became a prophet and a leader in all of Israel. He was a mighty man for the kingdom of God. The Lord blessed Hannah with more children, six in total; she had three more sons and two daughters.

The ladies sat around the long conference table in the TV room. The cell was "stuffy" as usual, no air circulation. One lady had a black eye, "street fighting in jail this week" she explained. She continued, "But we are all good now." Several were crowded on the sides and the back of the small room. The table only held ten chairs. Two guards stood at the door of the cell area talking loudly. I shared the message of Hannah. Then I asked each one, "What are you waiting for?" The answer one-by-one was the same, "To get out." The last lady responded "To get out" and then continued with tears filling her eyes, "and to get my kids back."

Lord, help me to bring my anguish to you and leave it in total surrender at the altar. Help me to believe you’ve got every situation. To be able to leave that place of prayer believing, trusting, and no longer sad regardless of my circumstance. Help me surrender in waiting.

To  learn more read I Sam. 1-2.

 

Broken

 

Broken

 

Just as I am

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come Broken, Just as I am! (Cottrell)

               When I arrived at the jail this last week, the women’s unit was on lockdown (meaning they were locked up in their cell with no movement). The lady officer proceeded to tell me, “I don’t know why they brought you back here. They can’t come out and see you today”. I visit weekly and the women inmates that wish to attend church service come gather in the TV room with me around a large conference table; there I share the word of God with them. “Can I go to them?” I asked. Inside my stomach was flip flopping; I had never been back to the unit’s individual cells. She granted me permission. As the officer did her rounds, I was allowed to sit one cell at a time with the women and pray for them individually. Only two women stated they did not want prayer. All the others, the entire unit, ALL wanted to see me. At times, I was allowed inside the individual cell and would kneel or sit next to them. Some cells had two women while others had three to four women inside. Some cells had padlocks (women that had been fighting). One cell at a time, I listened to their requests. Only two had prayers for their case or charges. The requests were for dying parents, sick family members, their own mothers that were heart-broken, their kids without them, their kids on drugs, their own drug use, to get sober, their failing marriage, their baby’s daddy,  …… one request after another…… from one heart-broken woman to the next. Their ages varied from early 20s to 80s. There was something so serene in that moment, something so different I had never experienced.

               “Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours”. These women were vulnerable, honest, and broken. One woman I had visited for a month now. She had told me recently that “prison was better than being on the outside, less responsibility”. As I prayed for her, my heart was broken. I opened my eyes to see tears rolling down her face. In trouble for fighting the last two weeks and on lock down again, this tough woman was crying as I prayed for her.

               When I exited that day, I sat in silence. There were no words.

              Psalm 56:8 states, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

               God cares. Our tears are not wasted. God knows you intimately. Every tear you cry has meaning to him. “Cast your cares on Him, for he cares for you” (I Pet. 5:7).

               I realize how unusual it was that I was allowed in jail that day. I recognize what a divine appointment it was that I encountered that man contemplating returning to gang life or suicide. I cannot solve their problems…. But I can give them Jesus.

               Lord, help me see those around me. Use me, Lord. Help me to see the broken.

              

But God...... and everything changes

Christ and Prisoner's Wife video Trailer

https://youtu.be/rRBj9hvga44

Boaz

Boaz

 

Our society promotes the image of a “prince” riding a white horse and rescuing “damsels” in distress. After all, Prince Charming rescued Snow White, Rapunzel, Cinderella, and the list of princesses goes on and on. I wanted a man to come rescue me and the boys. There is a story in the Bible about a woman named Ruth. I always loved that story, even as a little girl. Ruth’s husband dies. In Biblical times, if a woman lost her husband to death, then the brother of the husband is to marry the woman. However, Ruth’s husband’s brother was also dead. Her father-in-law had also died.

Ruth leaves with her mother-in-law (Naomi) to the land of Judah. There she meets an attractive landowner, Boaz. He was a relative of Naomi’s dead husband. Ruth gathered grain in Boaz’ fields after the reapers (workers). Boaz noticed Ruth and gave her favor. He told his workers to leave grain for her, not to touch her, and give her water as she needed. Ruth pursued Boaz by waiting until he was asleep, removing the blanket off his feet, and lying down at his feet. Boaz woke up and found Ruth there. He inquired what she was doing there, and her response was “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer” (Ruth 3: 9). Boaz and Ruth marry. Their union becomes part of the direct family line, geology of Jesus. I prayed for a man to come be my “redeemer”, my Boaz. Thus, that mindset would cause me so much harm; through tears and heartbreak, I would continue to learn only God could be my redeemer. While God did unite Ruth and Boaz and it is a beautiful love story, God wanted me to rely on him.

As women, we often fall into unhealthy relationships in moments of frailty. As one author put it,

“While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives; Broke-az, Poor-az, Lying-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Downlow-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Good-for-nothing-az, Lazy-az, Crazy-az or Married-az and especially his THIRD cousin Beating-yo-az. PLEASE...wait on your BOAZ and make sure he RESPECTS yo AZ.”

So many of us (me included) in moments of rejection, weakness, and hurt run to a man. The Bible is clear, God wants us to run to him. Psalm 147:3, “He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 121 states, “I lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”

 

Take time today to search your heart. Who or what have you ran to? Lord, forgive me for all the times I run to something else to comfort me instead of you. 

 

Learn more about the Ruth in the book of Ruth in the Old Testament.